Do not let your real personality become dependent on weed.
3:05 AM…Night 4, technically. I can’t sleep, so I figured I’d write another weed diary entry. I really have only a couple healthy bowls left of a Gram, which I bought earlier today at 2PM, due to my self proclaimed weed emergency. A gram of weed, which is a pretty decent amount of green, goes by around here in about a day. Hey, my eating was not out of control today. I got laid twice, which I will of course count as exercise. I got a pretty decent amount of work done today. I definitely spent too much time watching comedy Central and entertaining the girlfriend today. Tosh.0 and Donald Trump’s Roast were on, and my girlfriend just laid around all day in my V-neck T-shirt and her panties. She quit her job yesterday, so last night we had to take her mind off things. She loves to smoke, but sometimes she hints about stopping. I’m not sure where she stands on the issue, nor do I like telling people to stop a habit that I can not quit either. It’s always a huge ‘downer’ to mention quitting weed when you are already high, so I’ll save it for a sober conversation. I postponed a meeting, and really didn’t get any sales calls in today. I still just don’t feel clear headed and focused high, but I don’t feel that way when I’m not high either. I could take a combination of dextroamphetamine and amphetamine (Adderall) to help focus, but why should I have to take other drugs, to offset other drugs bad side effects. Pretty soon I will be on 5 different drugs, and form more dependencies. Currently I already feel dependent on marijuana. 🙁
Today was the day I was supposed to quit smoking weed. In fact, this journal, was supposed to be my first ‘NOT high’ journal entry. I just hope I can still write, not being high. That’s foolish of me to think. I’m sure I’d write better and clearer sober. Even that sentence feels wrong. that one also…. Wow, I am losing it here, and in so, maybe proving a point. My writing would have to be better high.. I MEAN NOT HIGH. Jesus help me. Maybe being high just gives my writing more character, more spizzzaz, randomness or uniqueness… maybe being high allows different ideas to be connected in relationships, I would not have thought of sober. Creativity and Mary Jane are obvious buddies. One of my concerns with taking weed out of my life is what will come of my creativity levels and connections? (my list of Famous druggies)
I’m in the Live Music Capitol of the World, Austin TX, Willie Nelson land, SXSW, ACL. I know comedians, singers, artists, rappers, bands, and actors. Come on. They all smoke. They found Mathew McConaughey, down the road from me, dancing around in the buff playing bongo drums, high as a kite. Some smoke all the time, some every once in a while, but there is no denying that artists of all venues, creative mind types, and Hollywood heads, all smoke marijuana. Celebrities and athletes are either getting in trouble with weed or joking about it in the media. Who can blame them? They are celebrities and athletes; people that I consider on top of the world’s social influence. There should be a new rule: If you win 16 Olympic Metals on the WORLD’s stage, beating the world’s best athletes, like Michael Phelps; Our president will roll a joint of the finest Marijuana the USA has to offer, give you a pat on the back, a light, and thank you for representing us… if that’s what you want. Our government would like us to believe that people who use marijuana do not amount to anything. This is obviously a very broad and stereo typical assumption, which is simply not accurate. Unfortunately our laws work mostly on the idea of, ‘it’s not what you do, it’s what you get caught doing.’ When celebrities get caught smoking weed, our media and government like to make a very big deal out of something, which really shouldn’t make the six O’ clock news. Many of these high profile people need a break from the seriousness of life. I can relate to needing a break! Why publically drag them through the mud over such a harmless, private act? I live by the golden rule, and I find finger pointing in the world of marijuana, extremely hypocritical.
I tried to quit today, but I gave in to temptation quickly. I held out only 4 hours, before lighting up again . lol, that is pretty pathetic, now that I see it on paper. I obviously have little self control, or I’m just not taking ‘quitting weed’ serious. I can tell you what happened. Sober sucked, and I felt bland, almost uncomfortable. I felt a fairly intense constant anxiety, and noticed I was pacing more. Even though I had no weed, I saw my pipe, and made the mistake of taking a shitty resin hit. I always regret taking Resin hits, because they bring a temporary high, and leave you craving the real thing, worse than before. I shoot some quick green availability texts out. I’m in my car, on the way to a friend’s house, buying a gram for 20$. I reason that if I don’t buy more than a gram, just for today’s fix, then I can still quit tonight and wake up in the morning ready to be weedless. Great weed is always available in Austin, which makes getting it way to easy, delivered right to your door. Next thing I know, I feel much better because I have fresh Cabo Marijuana, and just like that, I gave in. Wow writing this down really helps. I failed, and probably would have not remembered I had committed to quit, if I had not been writing about my day. I made a promise to myself to quit, and I only lasted 4 hours. If I can’t ever hold myself accountable… then maybe I do need a rehab… maybe I need outside help… but first, let me take a smoke break, and spread Peanut butter and Nutella on a toasted, wheat bagel..
4:00 AM. The bagel, along with the large glass of Milk I drank, made my eyelids heavier. Not going to be able to finish this journal due to sleepy-high eyes. I really need to just give all my marijuana paraphernalia to the next weed smoker that comes through here. Maybe if I had not taken that resin hit earlier, off an empty pipe lying around; I might not have made the decision to get one more gram, and an excuse to be high all day. I have a few bowls left in the zip lock bag, so I can’t get rid of this pipe yet. That actually works out, because now I have a few bowls for a wake n bake session, to at least get me past a predictable rough morning tomorrow. It’s got to be easier to quit in the middle of the day, instead of at night, or in the morning. I should run out mid day tomorrow, and once again, quit smoking weed. TBD. Going to bed.
Continue reading: Weed Diaries day 5